Proof he is still alive.

Comment on my last post. I promise I did not force him to say this against his will.

 ceer78 said...

Just for the record, it's been going pretty damn well so far!

January 28, 2010 8:10 AM

I'm up to 4-5 bottles of water and down to 1 soda/day. So far no migraines which is really weird. Still at 13-15 cigs a day. Skin is clearing up but chest is tighter as it gets ready to purge the crap out of my lungs. Mmmmmm!

It wasn't my goal to quit soda at the same time I quit smoking. I'm just finding that I don't really need to drink it like I used to, guess I was always trying to wash down all the tar sitting on my tongue. Yeah, gross.

Oh Lawd.

This is going to be the week from hell. It's "that time" and all hell might break loose! Someone just put me in a coma til it's over. KThnxBai!

Send chocolate for me and shields for the rest of them.

I'm not a lunatic...

I just play one in my head.

"The Voice" is back. The one that comes around every time I try to quit smoking. The Voice comes and then the mood swings begin a few days later. TV is so negative and mean. It's like an abusive spouse in your head all the time.

The Voice: (15 minutes left on the timer.) Close enough! Go ahead have another cig you've been good you deserve it.

Me: Go away.

TV: Come on, Heather. It's ok no one's looking... no one will know.

Me: I SAID FUCK OFF! Leave me alone!!!

TV: You'll never be rid of me. I OWN YOU! You can't do this. You're nothing without me.

Me: Watch me, asshole!

So far I am winning this war and I am soooo happy about that.

I am putting it here for all to see so when "TV" comes back I can tell it that everyone knows about it and it can't trick me. It's exposed and it can't try and bully me anymore. I tell Jase now when it happens so he can keep an eye on me. I'd never talked to him about stuff like this during my past attempts so hopefully full disclosure will help. I just don't want him to think I am nuts or not trying hard enough. TV coming around is actually proof I am doing it. I am trying and succeeding!

Too bad TV isn't an ex-husband. You can't get a restraining order on a figment of my imagination.

I'm going to keep the timer where it is for now. I was going to up it another 10-15 minutes but I'm not going to risk pushing so hard that I set myself up for failure. I've cut the smoking in half the first week so with 20 days left til VDay I think I am on track.

I'm a Barbie Girl...

Life in plastic.... it's fantastic!
Not!

Little known fact about me: I cannot sweat. Zilch. Zero. Nada.

Why is this a problem? I mean people are now getting Botox shoved into their pits for the pleasure of being like me.

When you cut back or quit smoking your body tries to purge itself of all the toxins floating around your system. ( I've cut my smoking in HALF this past week) The main outlet is through sweat which, as we've established, I don't do.

I get to wake up some mornings and feel like I am wrapped in plastic. A living Barbie doll. If only I would wake up LOOKING like one.
All the bad stuff sits just beneath the top of my skin in a heavy, choking layer.

My skin feels like it's suffocating like when I try to use liquid makeup or thick lotions. I'm ashamed to admit that when I woke up this morning I almost had a panic attack and dove into the tub to scrub my body down so I could "breathe". I BOIL myself in my bathtub.

Impossible you say?

Side Story Alert! (My friend, Nate, had to use my bathroom as I was getting ready to take a bath. Water was done running so I shut it off and let him in. Jase had told him about my baths so I dared him to stick his foot in and time how long he could keep it there. Foot goes in and comes out in less than 3 seconds. His poor foot was beet red. He left the room and I got in washed my hair and stuff and got out. I was in there little over 20 minutes or so. Long story short the next day he came over and showed me that all the blisters on that one foot had burnt off. Poor guy, he works on his feet all day so his feet needed to be rough and having baby soft feet hurt for a week.)

I cannot blame it on quitting alone. I wake up like this at least 3 times a month. Right now it's like a mad exodus of yuck trying to escape my body at once and it's freaking me out.
I am cutting back on soda now and switching to flavored water in hopes that I can flush that crap out a different way than through my nonexistent pores.

Too bad water makes me nauseous. My belly sloshing around. Gross.

Thank You, CruzMissile  for your comment!!!! I'm using the patch and I have the gum for when I get to the point that the patch isn't helping as much. A little backup insurance. You don't know how much it means to me to hear someone else break it down. You and Kristin are the best!

Getting there.

I'm down to little over 1 pack a day. Considering a week ago I was at 40+ I think I am doing well.

Jase broke it down for me and came up with a plan. Since nicotine addiction has 2 separate stages he wants me to tackle one at a time instead of trying to take both giants on at once.

I really believe the reason I have failed in the past is because I went too fast and tried to go from 2pk/day to 0. I need to slowly get used to the mental  withdrawal before I can conquer the physical aspects. I don't know if this will affect my quit date but I am setting my sight on V-day. I have a phone session with my quit counselor Friday and will ask her what she thinks. I don't want to rush it and fail again.

Step 1: Continue cutting back and upping the timer every few days as I feel comfortable going longer between. I'm using some patches I had from an earlier attempt and those are def. helping. I'm sucking on suckers like there's no tomorrow. My lips are sticky sweet!

Step 2: Get down to less than 10 cigs a day before my quit date so I can stop smoking all together. I will continue to use the patch and the gum or lozenges (Don't know which of those they are sending yet) as long as I am craving a cig. Then slowly wean myself off of those. I'm worried about getting addicted to the gum as I have heard that can be a problem.

I want to thank Carrie for speaking about dreams and fulfilling them. She's given me the courage to do this and  I hope all her dreams come true. She's been through hell and back and she deserves things to go her way for once. Go give her all the support you can. She's keeping her dream on the down low for now but she'll open up one day and share it with us. She's amazing.

Nicotine Addicts Anonymous

NAA was recommended by my quit coach along with some other resources. It's exactly like the Alcoholic version so I will not be participating with that group.

Here are my fears about quitting. I want them out there and out of my head.

1. Stark Raving Bitchiness- What if cigarettes were keeping me calm and that I really am a raving lunatic. I fear quitting might make me unbearable to live with. This fear comes from a past quit attempt in which Jase told me to get in the car with him and he went in and got me a pack. I cried the whole time because I didn't want to give up but I think that quit time was the closest we'd ever been to breaking up. What if those crazy bits are ME and not the withdrawal?! I guess we will see!!!

2. Weight Gain- I have already gained a lot of weight in 2009 and I know I'm going to blow up like a balloon. Here's the trade off.. If I quit I could actually workout as my back allows.
Bad Back+Black Lungs= no workouts. Maybe if I take one of the baddies away I can actually do something about any weight gain.

3. Failure- I am scared to death of letting my family down and letting all of you down. You have taken time out of your lives to support me and I don't want that to be for nothing. I knew coming out and letting everyone know that I was going to quit would make me more accountable during this time. Failure is not an option!

Good things I'm looking forward to:

My kids will see me struggle through this and my hope is that they think about it if they are ever tempted to pick up a cigarette. I can look them in the eye and tell them not to smoke without feeling like a hypocrite and a fraud. They won't have to go to school smelling like an ashtray.

I can start having wild monkey sex again. Coughing and wheezing isn't sexah! I'll stop right there. My parents read this.

Food will taste better. I'll be able to smell things like never before.


If  When I do this I will feel like I can do ANYTHING! Maybe I will take online classes in Library Science. I'll sit along side Kyle as he does his work and I'll do my homework, too.

I really would like a hobby. Something to do with my hands. Sadly, I have 0 talent for knitting or anything fabric related. Anyone have any ideas?! Maybe some bead working or something. I'll take any and all ideas and try them and maybe even document my attempts.

Thanks for being here, my friends. I love you!

Facebook Ads are good for you!

So I was cruising Facebook as I do and saw an ad that caught my eye. Tobacco Free Florida is a state run program to help people quit smoking. They have former smokers answering the phones and listening to your whining. This is a big thing for me. Jase has never smoked so he can't really talk me through this stuff even though he's super supportive and sweet. I loves him!

I can call my quit buddy from 8am to 3am if I need her. They are sending me a bunch of literature about quitting. Calling me once a week to check on how I am doing and will be there if I need to talk to someone.

Here's one of the best parts... They are sending me nicotine patches and nicotine gum for 8 weeks. This is huge for me. I didn't think I'd qualify for this part of the help. I do not feel bad for accepting this help considering it's smokers immense cigarette taxes that fund the program. I'm just reusing the money I paid in to get OUT.

This is the most groundwork I've done prior to a quit attempt. The other times I just jumped in with both feet and thought I'd magically be able to quit. This is going to be hard work and I'm preparing for war.

I want to thank all of you for coming here to support me. You have no idea how much this means to me.

That being said I'd like to take a moment to right some wrongs.
I want to take a moment to give props to those who made the right decisions and never got hooked on stupid shit.

You always hear about how someone is a recovering this or that and every ones like "AWWWW! WHAT A TROOPER."

Where is the parade for those people who were smart and didn't get tangled up in addiction in the first place? Here's to you guys! I wish I could count myself among you. The few, the proud, the SMART!

Ignore the fact that the gorilla and lizard are holding beer. You know what I mean! Oh wait...that's popcorn, never mind.

The Game Plan

Set a quit date in the near future

02-14-2010 Valentines Day and my blogoversary. A promise I had made to Jase before we moved in together. I would be smoke free or it wasn't going to happen. Was able to quit for awhile but went into the new house as a smoker. This has been one of Jase's BIG ones. And thus far I've failed him. I want him to be proud that I'm the one he married. I never hid my slip ups from him. We are in this together!

I'm giving my self  plenty of time to ease into the idea of quitting. A lot of thought and planning went in this Quit Date


2. Choose the best method to quit
Stepping down my usage until I'm down to 1 pack a day then I will be trying gum and patches along with hypno tapes in my ear as I sleep. If those seem to be failing I will bite the bullet and go to the Doctor for Chantx and my anti anxiety meds. That's going to be a big bill. Chantix is $100 a month.

3. Think of all the ways quitting improves your life

I will be able to just walk around the block with my kids.

I can quit waking up to coughing fits during the nights.

I can have a better sex life with Jase, minus the wheezing. Moaning is hot during sex. Sounding like your taking your last breath ever....is not.

I can actually go see a movie at the theater and not have a mini panic attack concerning when my next fix will be!

4. Have your clothes, carpets, drapes and furniture cleaned
You may not notice now, but they smell like smoke.

5. Set goals for yourself

Stop on my stop date.

Really work on keeping the irritability in check.

Walk around the block every day with Kyle without needing to stop every 10 feet huffing and puffing.

Get clearer skin. Tired of my skin being covered in cig tar, giving me whiteheads on my cheeks.

Drink more water and ease off of soda.

6. Plan to reward yourself

Day 1 -A new book.

Week 1 -A new Bra

Month 1- Sushi!

7. Visualize success
Begin to imagine yourself as a non-smoker. See yourself turning down a cigarette. See yourself being so bored with smoking you can't imagine ever going back.

I have no problem imagining I'm bored with sitting in a cloud of smoke  I AM bored with it! I want to change and never do this again.

I am however wanting to hear from those who quit smoking who visit here now. How long ago? How did you finally stop? Be honest, have there been any slip ups?! How did you deal with the slip ups? Did you reset your clock to begin at the time of slip up or did you just shrug it off and kept going?

Any and all advice will be welcomed and wanted!

T-Minus 26 Days…

Until my quit date.

I told Jase a few minutes ago that he should check my blog that I’d made an announcement. He read it, looked at me in shock, then turned to the kids and yelled, “RUN FOR THE HILLS! SAVE YOURSELVES!”
We’ve been through this before and it wasn’t pretty. I screamed at him for leaving coffee in the coffee pot all day. WTF I don’t even drink coffee so why should I have cared?

I will try not to bore you guys to death with this stuff but I think my blog is going to be a good way to channel my emotions during this time. Maybe I should start a side blog. HERE WE ARE!

Cigarettes have been a part of my life for so long. I started when I was 15 and now I am 30. It’s gotten to the point that I am smoking 2 packs a damn day. The problem is that I sit in my house 24.7 and mindlessly smoke.

First step: Cut back! No more reaching for my pack without even thinking about it. I have a kitchen timer next to me and when it goes off I can have a cigarette. I do think it might take flight across my living room because the ticking is LOUD!!

To make sure I don’t do the Zombie Smoke I have relocated my cigs to a safe area out of my reach. That means if I want a cig I have to make a conscious decision to get my fat ass up and go get it. Maybe I should put the timer with them?

All the stop smoking tips talk about avoiding the situations that lead you to smoke. I’d have to be cryogenically frozen for that to be possible. Going to deal with it one day at a time. Even though I have not fully quit yet I am taking the steps necessary to making it happen.

This Valentines Day is not just for lovers.

It’s about doing something for those I love. What better day to show my love than on my blogoversary and Valentines Day.



I have the gum, the patches, and a bit of Chantix left from the time I quit before.
Now I just need the will power and the support of everyone in my life.

I was able to quit as soon as I found about my pregnancies but went back soon after their births. I’d say within a year. So I know it can be done!

I don’t want this anymore.